Tips for Twits: A Common Sense Declaration Regarding Cellular Technology and Etiquette for Young Persons

Article One: Cellular Technology and Personal Liberties

A mobile communication device is a privilege, not a creator endowed right. Nowhere in the Articles of Confederation, the Constitution, or the Bill of Rights, does it state that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are dependent upon owning or utilizing cellular technology. We encourage you to read and memorize these important foundational documents from the convenience of a mobile phone at this time. Thank you.

Article Two: Cellular Technology and the Economy

Your parents or guardian will gladly acquire a cellular device on your behalf and possibly even finance the device’s network plan when you have deserved and/or earned this privilege. After the acquisition of a personal communication mechanism, you will not whine, roll your eyes, or utter sarcastic comments when your parents or guardian require that you (a) refrain from texting at the dinner table (b) talk or text within your allotted minutes of usage or (c) demand upgraded technology every three months or otherwise outside of your contractual agreement with your network provider.

Failure to utilize your mobile phone within established adult guidelines is punishable by torture, ie. Advanced interrogation tactics, ie. Serious questioning by your parents which may lead to further disciplinary action.

Article Three: Cellular Technology and Interpersonal Relationships

The primary function of a mobile communication device is to have conversational experiences with people that are not currently in the same room as you are.

When you are within 25 feet or less of a real live person with whom you would like to communicate with, we ask that the “Old School” technique of voice to voice communication be employed.

Conversely, you will be required to engage in conversational experiences with the group of friends you are actually with at the mall, and not walk like a herd of hormonal cattle taking up the entire width of a pedestrian walkway, each individually talking or texting with other individuals who are not physically present at that time.

Article Four: Cellular Technology and Privacy

You will refrain from taking lewd, obscene, pornographic, or otherwise offensive pictures of yourself or others with your personal communication device. As your parents or guardian, we have not had the desire to see a naked photograph of you since the mandatory tub photos we snapped when you were still in the blob stage of your development. The Golden Rule still applies, Would you like your friends to see naked pictures of your parents on the lawn tractor posted to your Facebook page? We think not.

Article Five: Cellular Technology and Education

In regards to the classroom setting, you do not actually need a personal mobile communication device. While participating in the daily educational experience we formally call “school“, we hold these expectations to be self evident; that you will pay attention during your US History class. You will therefore secure the mobile telecommunications unit in your locker, a backpack or another safe location of your choosing.

In conclusion, if this Common Sense Declaration of etiquette sound unreasonable to you, we can arrange an in person tour of an undisclosed facility in Europe where you, the savvy young person, can experience up close and personal, enhanced interrogation techniques, in order to provide a reality check on what real torture looks like.

News Flash: Seven Deadly Sins and the DSM

Psychological Life and Times
May 22, 2009
Arlington, VA

During today’s session of the Annual Meeting of The American Psychiatric Association, the APA released an early draft of the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders V. Most of the proposed changes to the DSM were expected and met with wide acceptance by the APA delegates and the press corps. However, the updates proposed for the Personality Disorders chapter is sure to stir controversy amongst the faithful as the new DSM-V overturns century long definitions of sin and bad behavior by the Catholic Church.

The Chair of the “Old Dogma and New Understandings“ working group of the APA responsible for the draft revisions responded to the controversy by stating “We are a patient focused and science based organization. These antiquated philosophies are merely props hindering the healing journey for our patients. The psychiatric profession will no longer burden our patients with deficient mental schemas of behavior.”

What are the old mental schemas? The old Seven Deadly Sins of course: Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. Such terminology will be stricken from the DSM and replaced with new clinical definitions. The revised definitions with accompanying qualifiers will read:

Lust: Carnal Abundance Syndrome
“Loving Yourself and Others with Appropriate Boundaries”

Gluttony: Food Boundary Deficit Disorder
“Learning to live within your girth”

Greed: Ownership Confusion Complex
“Learning to live without the means of others”

Sloth: Ambition Phobia
“How to say “Yes to Success” and “No to napping”

Wrath: Negative Emotion Stimulation Disability
“Anger Management when its someone else’s fault”

Envy: Simplicity Insufficiency
“Learning to internalize “less is more”

Pride: Positive Self Esteem Abundance Disease
“Realizing your full potential in balance with the worth of others who are not as good as you are”

The proposed changes by the APA have already elicited a response by the Catholic Church. A spokesperson for the Vatican, Father, Tony Caprezio, stated that “It is truly shocking, but also a testament to the present reality of living in a culture where no one is responsible for anything anymore.”

The DSM-V is scheduled for a final publication date for May of 2012.

People Should Wear Signs

While bemoaning a recent and awful breakup, my friend decided that from now on, all people should wear informational signs. In her own words, “People Should Wear Signs. You know, as a warning.” In regard to her situation, we agreed that the sign her ex-boyfriend would sport would read “Warning: Boyfriend will self-combust if relationship goes too well.”

This conversation prompted me to think about other situations in which an over head sign indicating future behavior would be beneficial. The squid changes color, a dog growls, a cat hisses. Each of these outward behavioral cues serve as warnings. Why can't people have obvious signs as well?

For example, the following signage would save time and avoid hard feelings:

• I can't use car blinker appropriately and will turn or not turn vehicle regardless of vehicle indicators.
• I take everything the wrong way.
• I talk about people behind their back.
• I mask my insecurities will anger. I will yell at you periodically to make myself feel better.
• I'm a sociopath.
• I'm off my medication.
• I like to control people.
• I won't take responsibility. Its always your fault.
• I won't commit. To anything. Ever.
• I will sneak drugs out of your medicine cabinet.

The more I think about the potential of personal signage, I realize that signs would not necessarily need to indicate bad behavior. Signs could also display more helpful information that could stimulate a more compassionate response to those who are hurting. Like:

• My best friend died six weeks ago.
• I lost my job today.
• I just moved to town and I'm lonely. I could really use a friend.
• My spouse hits me.
• I was just diagnosed with a cancer.
• My child is in jail. What did I do wrong?
• Will anyone notice if I'm not around anymore?

After reflecting on the issue of signs, I realized that we spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to conceal our real or perceived deficiencies from other people. No one wants to appear to have any problems. Yet it might be easier on everyone if we all agreed to live with a bit more transparency.

Would our behavior on the outside make more sense if the obvious signage was available to explain our inner lives? Would we act with more compassion towards others if we knew what was really going on in their inner life? Maybe. Maybe not.

Though the personal advantages are obvious, to be honest, I'm not sure I want you to read my personal billboard on a given day. Though for morning engagements, perhaps a “Nicer after coffee” sign would explain everything.