Article One: Cellular Technology and Personal Liberties
A mobile communication device is a privilege, not a creator endowed right. Nowhere in the Articles of Confederation, the Constitution, or the Bill of Rights, does it state that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are dependent upon owning or utilizing cellular technology. We encourage you to read and memorize these important foundational documents from the convenience of a mobile phone at this time. Thank you.
Article Two: Cellular Technology and the Economy
Your parents or guardian will gladly acquire a cellular device on your behalf and possibly even finance the device’s network plan when you have deserved and/or earned this privilege. After the acquisition of a personal communication mechanism, you will not whine, roll your eyes, or utter sarcastic comments when your parents or guardian require that you (a) refrain from texting at the dinner table (b) talk or text within your allotted minutes of usage or (c) demand upgraded technology every three months or otherwise outside of your contractual agreement with your network provider.
Failure to utilize your mobile phone within established adult guidelines is punishable by torture, ie. Advanced interrogation tactics, ie. Serious questioning by your parents which may lead to further disciplinary action.
Article Three: Cellular Technology and Interpersonal Relationships
The primary function of a mobile communication device is to have conversational experiences with people that are not currently in the same room as you are.
When you are within 25 feet or less of a real live person with whom you would like to communicate with, we ask that the “Old School” technique of voice to voice communication be employed.
Conversely, you will be required to engage in conversational experiences with the group of friends you are actually with at the mall, and not walk like a herd of hormonal cattle taking up the entire width of a pedestrian walkway, each individually talking or texting with other individuals who are not physically present at that time.
Article Four: Cellular Technology and Privacy
You will refrain from taking lewd, obscene, pornographic, or otherwise offensive pictures of yourself or others with your personal communication device. As your parents or guardian, we have not had the desire to see a naked photograph of you since the mandatory tub photos we snapped when you were still in the blob stage of your development. The Golden Rule still applies, Would you like your friends to see naked pictures of your parents on the lawn tractor posted to your Facebook page? We think not.
Article Five: Cellular Technology and Education
In regards to the classroom setting, you do not actually need a personal mobile communication device. While participating in the daily educational experience we formally call “school“, we hold these expectations to be self evident; that you will pay attention during your US History class. You will therefore secure the mobile telecommunications unit in your locker, a backpack or another safe location of your choosing.
In conclusion, if this Common Sense Declaration of etiquette sound unreasonable to you, we can arrange an in person tour of an undisclosed facility in Europe where you, the savvy young person, can experience up close and personal, enhanced interrogation techniques, in order to provide a reality check on what real torture looks like.
